in memoriam

Today I remember how in 2008 I was in desperate need to satiate my jrock fix. My favorite band L’Arc~en~Ciel has just announced their hiatus and I needed a new band to fill in the void. While scouring the jrock section of the Ongaku Society forums, I stumbled upon the thread for this band that was described as “sounding like the old Dir en Grey”. I took a chance with one of the recommend songs, Grudge. I failed to note the Dir en Grey influence but my interest was indeed piqued. I listened to another song then another. I watched a clip of them performing Tatoeba kimi ga shindara live and was amazed how the vocalist seemed to sound even better than the recording. Then I switched to their performance of Screen during the Spiral Staircase tour. The lights were low, the sound even lower. The vocalist started his verse. The music built up. The vocalist hit a high note as the guitars screamed. The lights went up and I knew right then and there they would have me for life.

I remember listening to Squall for the first time and having goose bumps. I remember reading the lyrics for in vain and how I laughed when I got to the part with all the Xs.

I remembering finally being able to watch the complete performances from Spiral Staircase and being mesmerized. I’ve watched my favorite parts over and over again. Sometimes, I would play it in the background as I write. More often that not, I end up setting aside whatever it is that I’m doing and just glue my eyes to the screen. I have seen numerous recorded performances since then but those from Spiral Staircase would always be my favorite. If only Hizumi’s voice didn’t catch a snag during Squall then everything would have been perfect.

I remember writing my second attempt at writing a formal album review right after I got my own copy of their third full-length album, Redeemer and how it became the first of the many articles I would soon dedicate to them. I remember raving about MONSTERS and how my review found a kindred soul in another blogger’s own assessment of the album. That became my initiation to a network of bloggers whose common passion was jrock. I remember being dead-tired because it’s already past 3am and I’ve been analyzing data the whole day but then I saw gacktpause has just posted his live report. Naturally, the Sandman had to wait. I remember spending too much time backtracking notafanboy’s posts for anything and everything about D’espairsRay. I discovered her journal in my search for translated interviews. Lucky for me, her journal turned out to be a treasure throve for translations AND live reports.

And then there was that one time I messaged CDJapan on Twitter regarding the release date of MONSTERS. Lo and behold, I got a tweet from the band’s official account. The message was rather snobbish and it really bothered me. Toshi of CDJapan assured me that it was all just a translation error. Nevertheless, I messaged @despairs back asking whether it was just a bad day for them hence the rudeness. Whoever was managing it answered back with an apology and came up with the ludicrous excuse that s/he forgot to add a smiley to the first message. Yeah right. Like that would change anything.

I remember asking my friends if it’s sane to pay a huge chunk of my salary for a DVD. Every single one of them was against it. “But it was the 10th Anniversary live!”, I counter-opinioned. Plus it comes a shirt. A shirt! And a mini-photo book. And cellphone strap. And did I already mention that it comes with a shirt? Nevermind if the design looked like rainbow vomit safari.

Then one afternoon, I got shaken to the core when I read the news that D’espairsRay would be on an indefinite hiatus. The announcement said that Hizumi was very sick. I remember immediately tearing up. Our office manager, whose cubicle was near mine, saw me crying. I can still vividly recall the way her forehead crumpled as she tried to comprehend that I’m crying because  some strange band would be pausing activities. I remember that it suddenly rained very hard that afternoon and I remarked that the weather was sympathizing with me. The whole afternoon saw me in a daze. When I got home, I immediately put into practice everything I know about google-fu in search for a cure. I ended up not getting any sleep that night. I pored over dozens of articles and speed-read numerous reports. Then I condensed them into 1 post. The next day, I was so disoriented I ended up accidentally locking myself up all alone in the office. I literally had to wait for someone to come in the morning to set me free.

The day after my post got online, I noticed an unusual activity in my blog. Visitors were pouring in like mad. By mid-afternoon, the numbers have reached 3 digits already and that’s just for a single post. Come midnight, the count had exceeded the number of visitors I could ever hope for in a quarter of a year. I then found out that someone mentioned my post at the largest D’espairsRay community on Livejournal. I checked the thread and was rendered speechless. Two members of the community have translated parts of my post into Japanese and sent them to any available channel to D’espairsRay. Not a few mentioned that they too would do their own research. Everyone was thinking how to best show our support for the band during these trying times. The show of solidarity was just so overwhelming. At that moment, I was at my very proudest for being part of such a dedicated and unselfish fanbase.

During the hiatus, I did not go in search of another band to dedicate my attention. On the contrary, I sought the company of other mania. Twitter has become my refuge. And in it, I found people who share my longing. Together, we reminisce. As one, we look forward to Hizumi’s swift recovery and D’espairsRay’s triumphant return. I also found another proof that indeed, the world is flat. Sometimes, I do get bewildered when I realize that the people whom I’m discussing with the merits of Karyu’s method of baking a cake are scattered all over the globe.

Finally, I remember that just a few hours ago as I was about to attend an important project briefing, I saw a tweet bearing bad news. It contained just two sentences, 3 words and yet it felt that like a ton of bricks when it hit me. I went thru my meeting. Had dinner with a colleague. Did my grocery. Navigated thru the Metro traffic.When I got home, I dumped my things. Slumped on my bed and just let go of the tears I’ve been holding up for hours. There’s no triumphant return to expect. D’espairsRay is no longer coming back.

It’s again past 3am. D’espairsRay made me ditch the Sandman one more time. But then again, this could also be the very last. The last time I’m losing sleep for them, the last time I’m writing a post about them. To paraphrase Neruda, though this be the last pain that they made me suffer and these the last verses that I write for them. And yet, just as it was said in the very same poem: my soul is not satisfied that it had lost them.

Every fiber in me refuses to acknowledge that this is the end. I vow then to remember this day. I will recall all that was said and all the emotions it entailed. And then I would enter Yokohama Blitz and I would rock my heart out with the crowd as we all welcome back D’espairsRay, reunited.


5 thoughts on “in memoriam”

  1. I just wanted to say that I was really moved by this post. After spending half the day reading blogs– just the cool, clinical “D’espairsRay to disband”, with the C+P message from the band, I’m glad to read, and sympathize and find sympathy in, your post, which was full of honesty, sincerity, and some good memories. All of which are good qualities to exhibit in these moments.

    I’ve found it interesting going through the day, people asking “hey, how are you doing?” and really, sincerely, answering, that I received some terrible news, that I’m not doing great– D’espairsRay disbanded. And I think it’s difficult for them to see how a band could have affected someone, multiple people– an entire collective grouping of people– in such a deep way. What I believe is that, for Visualists, you fall into the bands you love most– you fall in deeply. And once you’re there, their music becomes part of your philosophy, part of your way of life. And when they disband, that part of you takes a blow.

    I feel fortunate to be a part of a network of bloggers, Twitterers, and Visualists who are sharing in that melancholy, and, hopefully, simultaneously sending on their hopes and positive thoughts to the band and its fans.

    Take it easy.

    1. Spot on.

      Even I was in awe of how much this has affected me, it was as if a part of me was taken away. And every time word about it appears on my feed, the hollowness becomes even more pronounced.

      But it truly helps that we are all one on this. We may not know each other personally but I felt a deeper connection now more than ever with fellow mania and as you say, Visualists, because of what had happened. And with that, I am truly thankful.

  2. Hey there – I’m pretty sure this is my first time commenting here, and I just wish it were under better circumstances.
    All I can say is, thank you for posting. I’ve had pretty much the same reaction to the news. As a matter of fact, I have yet to stop crying.

    But don’t give up hope on them, not yet anyway. As I’ve been trying to post on Tumblr; they were only on hiatus for what, six months or so? Meaning that HIZUMI was only actively taking treatment and resting for those six months. As much as we all hoped that by now he would be all better, looking back, a recovery that fast is a little unrealistic given the seriousness of his condition. It could take another year of treatments and rest before he gets better, and I think that they (D’espairsRay) knew that.
    So in short, while I can’t guarantee that HIZUMI will recover at all, until someone can show me proof that he never will, I’m not going to give up on them.

    Take care of yourself~

    1. I’ve finally come to accept it. Besides, the reason for the breakup is more dignified than most. I’m worried for Hizumi of course but at least it’s not because they don’t want to have anything to do with each other anymore.

      Things will get better, They will come back more brilliant than ever.

      And us mania would welcome them back with open arms. No giving up.

      Thank you for your comment and take care of yourself too 🙂

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